I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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