he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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