Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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