I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
