I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
