I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
3 2 1 whiskey
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
