i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
