def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
