he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
