i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Randomize
