I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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