Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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