I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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