how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
