cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
