Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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