'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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