I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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