Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
my shit smells like andre
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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