I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
