i jhust puked up my retainher.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Mom said you looked used
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
