Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
