I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Randomize
