mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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