she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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