dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
