as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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