I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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