How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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