I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
time to smoke my breakfast
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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