the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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