I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
