so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
