How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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