Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
3pm strippers are depressing
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
