There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
