I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
