how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
