Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
