I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Randomize
