My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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