1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
