We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
