Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
