just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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