now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Randomize
