Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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