She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
The Olympian is in my bed
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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