I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
He did a backflip because drugs
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
