so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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