y did u give ur computer a hand job?
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
